I heart you, and my decision.

First up, THANK YOU!
Thank you for all your comments and emails. Your advice and opinions helped me to see things more clearly... both ways I'll admit, but it still helped :) It also helps to know that I am not in this alone. There are lots of women with the same battle going on in their head.

Your comments helped me to see that I'm not obese. I've lost 45 pounds, and that is something to be proud of. if I get pregnant tomorrow, it's not the end of the world, as far as my weight goes. At least I won't be getting pregnant at 206 pounds, and that in itself is an accomplishment. You reminded me that I can have a healthy pregnancy, and I don't have to gain 40 pounds, which would definitely help. And like you said, I will never regret having a baby, but I might regret waiting. I hate that my weight has gotten in the way of us being parents. I just want to stop obsessing about my weight, and get on with living our dreams together.

On the other hand, you helped me to see that I am only 23 years old (almost 24). Even if I put it off for a year, I would still be about 25 when I (hopefully) become pregnant. That's pretty young. But I don't feel young. I feel like I'm trapped inside of an 80 year old body, due to my health issues. I've also been married for almost 6 years. We are ready to have a baby. It's all my husband talks about. I hate the fact that he would have to wait even longer to be a daddy, because I couldn't find a way to put down the cheesecake. But hey, I'm sure he would be entertained during the wait, as he watched me shrink back down to the 120 pound girl he married. My weight is a battle I have not officially won, and it's annoying. I just want to get to my goal weight, and finally win this battle. I want to have a healthy pregnancy, and actually look cute while pregnant.

It's still a hard decision, and I still want both. Go figure.

But I think I've come to a compromise:

My fertility doctor said we would try clomid for 3 cycles (3 months), and then move onto more drastic (and expensive) procedures. July will be the 3rd cycle. I've decided that I want to finish what I've started with the clomid. I've already taken the clomid to have a cycle this month. So if it doesn't work this month, I would only take it one more time, for the month of July. If I'm not pregnant by the time I finish the clomid, then we will take 3 months off trying to get pregnant. This will give us time to both save money for the more expensive procedures that we would start in November, and also give me 3 months to lose 20-30 pounds. Because I will be kicking some serious weight loss butt during that time. I'm going to keep with my diet while finishing up the clomid. I haven't weighed myself, but last I checked I was 165, so I'm assuming I'm 160. If I didn't get pregnant with the clomid by the end of July, then I would be hopefully starting the month of August at 155 pounds. I'm hoping that between August and November I can get down to 125-135 pounds.

I would be happy with either outcome. If I get pregnant between now and July, then at least I'm not getting pregnant at 206 pounds. I've always been so worried that I would never be able to get pregnant, that I'm sure seeing a positive pregnancy test will wash away all my concerns about getting pregnant at the weight that I am. And if we don't, then I have three months to get down to a healthier weight, which could even help us have better luck getting pregnant in November.

I feel at peace with our decision. I will be a mother, and get to my goal weight. I can't snap my fingers and have them both at the same time, but I know that I will have them both, eventually. I just know it.