It's been almost 3 weeks since I last posted.
I honestly have no idea what the heck happened to the time. At one point, I thought it had been a week since I last posted, but when I looked at my blog, I realized it had been two! Then I spent this past week with writers block. And here I still sit with it. So I'm going to push through it, and just type.
Do you know what goes through my mind as soon as my eyes open in the morning? My diet. My weight. Fertility, and trying to get pregnant while also trying to lose weight. It's also what's going through my mind as I fall asleep at night. Come to think of it, I'm constantly thinking about it. I am so sick of it! I'm tired of thinking about it.
I hate that it's easy one day, and seemingly impossible the next day. I hate that I couldn't have just stayed skinny after I got married. I hate my stretch marks, and what I've done to my body. I hate that it's been 1 1/2 years, and I've only lost 45 pounds in that time. I hate that I waisted half of that 1 1/2 years not being fully committed. I could have made it to my goal weight during that time, if I had really given it all I had, 100% of the time; and I hate that. I hate trying to lose weight, while trying to get pregnant. One half of me wants to roll my sleeves up, and kick some serious weight loss butt. I want to give it all I've got, and lose my last 40 pounds in 6 months. That half of me is secretly hoping I don't get pregnant that month, so I can lose more weight. The other half of me wants to get pregnant. This month. I want to be a mother, and I'm tired of waiting. The two halves totally contradict each other, and sabotage one another. When I'm thinking about my weight loss, the thought actually crosses my mind to put trying to get pregnant aside for 6 months, so I can lose the rest of my weight. But when I'm favoring the baby side, all I can think about is how excited I am to be a mother, and I absolutely hate myself for ever thinking about putting getting pregnant on hold. I hate this fertility/weight loss battle that is constantly going on in my head.
So that's what's going on with me. I'm trying to figure out which I want more: Getting to my goal weight, or getting pregnant. I want them both...
I honestly have no idea what the heck happened to the time. At one point, I thought it had been a week since I last posted, but when I looked at my blog, I realized it had been two! Then I spent this past week with writers block. And here I still sit with it. So I'm going to push through it, and just type.
Do you know what goes through my mind as soon as my eyes open in the morning? My diet. My weight. Fertility, and trying to get pregnant while also trying to lose weight. It's also what's going through my mind as I fall asleep at night. Come to think of it, I'm constantly thinking about it. I am so sick of it! I'm tired of thinking about it.
I hate that it's easy one day, and seemingly impossible the next day. I hate that I couldn't have just stayed skinny after I got married. I hate my stretch marks, and what I've done to my body. I hate that it's been 1 1/2 years, and I've only lost 45 pounds in that time. I hate that I waisted half of that 1 1/2 years not being fully committed. I could have made it to my goal weight during that time, if I had really given it all I had, 100% of the time; and I hate that. I hate trying to lose weight, while trying to get pregnant. One half of me wants to roll my sleeves up, and kick some serious weight loss butt. I want to give it all I've got, and lose my last 40 pounds in 6 months. That half of me is secretly hoping I don't get pregnant that month, so I can lose more weight. The other half of me wants to get pregnant. This month. I want to be a mother, and I'm tired of waiting. The two halves totally contradict each other, and sabotage one another. When I'm thinking about my weight loss, the thought actually crosses my mind to put trying to get pregnant aside for 6 months, so I can lose the rest of my weight. But when I'm favoring the baby side, all I can think about is how excited I am to be a mother, and I absolutely hate myself for ever thinking about putting getting pregnant on hold. I hate this fertility/weight loss battle that is constantly going on in my head.
So that's what's going on with me. I'm trying to figure out which I want more: Getting to my goal weight, or getting pregnant. I want them both...
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16 comments:
I understand the debate going on in your mind. For me, I choose pregnancy first...even though i am still considered obese. WHY? Because i'm 33. Will be 34 by the time i have my first baby, at least. So it's a no brainer for me. If i was younger, well... I might would wait until i reached my goal weight. I think it would be okay for you to do that. Then again... you are looking GREAT. You are no longer obese. You only have 40 pounds to go! 6 months is not a long time to wait. But i wouldn't be preventing pregnancy either if that's what you want! :)
I understand your frustrations too. It makes me mad that i started this in June 2009 & only lost 23 pounds by Sept 2010. It makes me furious that i gained back 13 pounds in Nov/Dec 2010. And it REALLY upsets me that i gave it my 100% ALL in 2011 - only to not see the scale move at all & to finally find out i may be Insulin Resistant. How come I didn't discover that before now??? :(
But i have to make a decision to not think about those things & just to continue to do the best I can. I will get there. And you will too. You WILL be a mommy. And you WILL get to your goal weight. Not sure which will come first, but both will happen. And that's an encouraging thought! :)
I'd strongly recommend getting closer to your goal weight first - overweight moms tend to increase the risk (for the child) of developing several diseases later in life, such as diabetes or obesity themselves.
But no matter how it turns out for you, it will be the right way.
Oh, and if it is any consolation for you - since August 2010, I have lost exactly 12.2kg (a bit more than 25lbs). You think you're slow? Ha!
I was my healthiest when pregnant and never had trouble with my weight; I gained 11, 20 and around 22 with my 3 kids. You don't have to gain 40 pounds and still have a healthy baby! Just keep watching what you eat and take your prenatals and I bet you are pregnant soon.
Kind of off topic, but just wondering how did they know you were diagnosed with Lupus and RA? Just curious. Don't know if you blogged about this is the past?
Hi dear, I was going through this exact same battle. I spent a whole year obsessing about losing weight and becoming healthy. I am still not at my goal weight, but it got to the point where all I could think about was starting a family. I think that is why my weight loss started to plateau. I think you should do whatever feels right for you and your husband. It will all work out, it always does :)
Aww Brit! I totally understand feeling like you've wasted 6 of the last 18 months for losing weight. I lost 27 lbs last year, gained 13 back and am still sitting around where those 13 lbs left me. I'm so frustrated with my weight loss, too. I'd talk it over with your husband and see how he feels. Everything will work out! :-)
For me, who also had a hard time having children and only ended up with one, my son is the best thing I have ever accomplished. BUT I was overweight when I was finally able to have him which caused me health problems and complications during my pregnancy which effected him by him being born premature. After going through everything it is my opinion you are young enough and still have time to get yourself at a healthy weight before you get pregnant. If it should happen, great, wonderful!! but as you wait use that time wisely and get in the best shape you can because once you have a child you will put everything before it, including yourself. Know that by losing weight and exercise you are preparing for what is to come. Another thing, and this is from one who knows, RELAX...it's going to be ok!
I will be 100% honest right now. I am glad I didn't wait to have Holly once I got to goal weight.
I am struggling now with the weightloss, but I was struggling before the baby too. God knows how long it would have taken for me to reach a goal weight before having her. I am much happier with her in my life and part of this journey with me.
She "exercises" with me and I am doing my best to get her to eat her fruits and veggies.
I can't tell you how your body will react to pregnancy, because each person is different. I had a very healthy pregnancy despite my weight, which I beleive was double where you are today.
Hey Brittney...
Am I right in that you are about 160lbs? Girl.. you're not too big to have a baby! You can try for the baby and keep on with your exercise and eating. It is ok for you to lose weight while pregnant if you are overweight too btw. You don't have to 'eat for 2' as in 'double everything you now eat'. Baby will take ALLLLL the good stuff and leave you nothing. Your iron, your calcium... all goes to the baby. Baby will be fine if you (along with the dr) have a calorie cap that allows you to continue to lose weight at a slow rate. New science supports this for bigger women. But personally, with you weighing in at 160lbs or so, I don't even think you have a worry. I have been pregnant 3 times at that weight and there was never any talk that it wasn't good. I've kicked butt losing the weight afterwards but I have a family, kids and love and that fuels me. I understand your longing. Weight loss will still happen, but the baby may not! You never regret the children you have... just the ones you don't. xx
For me, getting to my goal weight WAS the key to getting pregnant. XO
I really love reading your blog and really admire you for how far you've come! I'm trying to lose weight and get more healthy...and I recently found out I have PCOS as well. So it's a battle. I was curious, when you were at your starting weight did you have problems with your blood pressure? If so did losing weight help with that? I'm a similar size as you were when you started so I was wondering if you had that problem as well?
I am so very sorry that you're going through that. You will be in my prayers tonight.
Hi Brittany,
We must be twins because I've been feeling the same exact way. I've been having the same conversations in my head. :)
As you know...you're not alone so feel free to vent away.
Personally, I've decided to work on loosing the weight this summer and than start the rounds of Clomid in the fall. The chance of birth defects when the mother is overweight really really scared me. But at the same time....I would love to be 160 again. I wish I could just wake up one day and the weight be gone. I know it will never happen but a girl can dream right? :)
I don't have any children, so I can't comment on the wanting to get pregnant thing....but I know how badly you want it. I think you've done a fabulous job with your weight loss Brittany. You should be very proud of the weight you HAVE lost and kept off...it's a hard thing to do and you're doing great. I'll be praying for you that what is meant to be is what will happen for you. Keep the faith girlfriend. :)
Hi Brittany!!! I'm sorry I haven't been by in a bit - glad I stopped in to my see how you are doing. I think at your weight if you got pregnant tomorrow it would be fine. I wasn't at my goal weight for my first two. I weighed 165 and for both my sons I gained 25 pounds. They were both perfect and healthy and I felt great during the whole thing. Then I joined weight watchers when my youngest son was 1. I lost 65 pounds made lifetime, maintained 130 for about 1.5 years, then got pregnant with my daughter and gained 70!! WTF? That was all me though. I was happy not to have to "diet" anymore and ate whatever I wanted the whole time. She was healthy too and now they are 15, 13 and 9 and are all fantastic. There are tons of women who get pregnant heavier than you are. Giving you hugs from here that it works out the way you want. I'm positive it will all be fine!!
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